What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 04:06
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What does it mean when a British person says "I can't be asked"?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We all went to grammer schools
What did i know ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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He knew the spot.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I said to her
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What is something you saw while on an airplane that you couldn't believe?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I will be 64.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She found it foreign!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!